AnnakL

I think sometimes people forget how much the world likes to troll you. I honestly believe in a greater being outside of our universe that sends out monsters in forms of everyday household items that will fuck with you in anyway possible. I call them my monsters. Luckily, I spotted some of my favorite (most hated) ones…

        The disappearing sock monster.

        The toe destroyer.

        The onion bully. 

And my most hated troll of all time…

          Fuck you, never replaced toilet paper roll. 

Found in a book,

A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.

Whenever I am sitting down and eating something or holding an object, if I accidentally drop it, it always seems to land right at the crotch area.

I don’t know if my body has some sort of vortex at that area where it likes to attract all falling objects (lolthat’swhatshesaid), or if god just finds it hilarious to put me in these awkward situations where I have try to get the fallen object without looking a creep.

Nonetheless, those situations always seem to end like this:

LOL.

Tonight, I decided I can cross “robber” off my list of my potential career paths.

Mission: Retrieve phone charger and toothbrush from my mom’s room without waking her up.

+10pt: Open door quietly

-20pt: Knock over water bottle, pen, lampshade while reaching for charger

-5pt: Bump head on the edge of the bed

-2pt: Realize I bumped my head harder than expected. Forehead is sore to touch.

-100pt: Get bulky sweater caught on the light switch and flick the light on

+2pt: “My bad, mom. Good night” Turn lights off.

+5pt: Leave room with charger.

-500pt: Realize I didn’t get my toothbrush.

Fuck.

I know I’m in schoolmode when I start reading people’s away messages with “atm” as ‘atmospheric pressure’ instead of ‘at the moment.’ 

“I am out for dinner, atmospheric pressure.” 

chyeah.

I found a Cadbury egg in a winter jacket.

I found a Cadbury egg in the back of the freezer.

I found a Cadbury egg in my bathroom cabinet.

I’m thinking it’s time to stop hoarding and buying so many damn Cadbury eggs after Easter. 

For the past two weeks, I have been helping out at my stepdad’s dry cleaners. There are a lot of interesting and ballin’ people that come in… and then there are those damn clueless 18 to 22 year-olds that stroll in. Sigh. Anyways, in hopes of helping the confused, I’ve complied a list of lessons that I’ve picked up on here at the dry cleaners.

So please stop looking confused every time you’re in here. 

1.  Try to bring more than just one or two pieces of clothing. It’s not wrong to bring just one shirt, but it’s kind of annoying to do the whole dry cleaning system for one shirt. Besides, you’re treated as a better customer when you bring in more clothes.

2. Unbutton all the buttons on your dress shirt and FREAKING don’t leave your clothes inside out. This drives me INSANEEEEE. AHHHHHHH. Ruining my mojo!

3. Heavy starch on dress shirts or asking for crease on jeans is pretty cowboy of you. Asking for no starch on dress shirts is ‘hip.’ Asking for no crease in tuxes is freaking “holy crap you must be a BALLER” status. 

4. Don’t forget to pick up your clothes. I’m actually surprised how many clothes get left here for over a year. Thanks for my new clothes! loljkjk.

5. Dry cleaning takes about 3-4 days. Altering clothes takes about 3-5 days.

6. Please stop your self-conscious self from spraying Febreeze or Axe on your clothes before you bring it in. I’ve accepted the fact you bring in weird smelling clothes. I don’t accept the fact you bring in weird flower field and mango infused sweaty clothes. 

7. Don’t be such a dick. I think this goes for all services and life in general. It hurts my feelings. ;(

hahahaha

I have some confessions that I need to get off my chest. Does anyone else google such weird or really stupid questions that it’s embarrassing when someone is using your computer and it appears as a suggestion when they’re typing something into your browser?

Things I have googled that are ridiculous when out of context:

1. “state initials W V”
2. “How to boil eggs”
   
3. “anime intro boy turns into a monster and eats his girlfriend’s head”
4. “red head boy’s urine effect on metals”
5. “farting on someone’s pillow cause pinkeye”
   
6. “how heavy is 2 pounds”
   

lord have mercy on my poor use of google.

This morning, while rolling around in bed, I had a mini light bulb go off in my head.

The phrases “I like to be the little spoon,” or “I like to be the big spoon,” are all wrong. Big spoons and little spoons don’t even fit with each other. Spoons have to be equally sized to fit perfectly together. vvv The mental image I had in my head this morning vvv 

Find the right spoon, my friends. Find the right spoon.

Just when I started really hating math, struggling to finish problem sets, and feeling frustrated by lectures,

my Graduate Student Instructor for my Math discussion wrote with all seriousness:

and math just got 10x cooler.

Tell me,

who the fuck do you think you are?

12- the total hours I slept last week

6- people yelling on my dorm floor, “WTF CANADA!!!!!!!”

18- problem sets left to do today

3- incredibly interesting ways learned in my Materials in Weapons seminar to make steel weapons stronger:

• throwing an infant into the molten to create more phosphorus
• quenching the steel with a 5-year old, red-headed boy’s urine
• quenching the newly-made, still hot sword by stabbing it through a slave

40- minutes spent sitting in the study lounge trying to research why a 5-year old, red-headed boy’s urine is significant

2- number of times I covered my laptop screen while researching the above because I didn’t want the people passing by thinking I’m a pedophile

1- realizing my search history will have several variations of “quenching with red-headed boy’s urine”

fail.